Simple Pilgrimage

Anytime a person attempts to do something great, there are critics waiting to, you know, criticize.

As I approach being one third of the way through my month-long celebration, the critics have been giving their opinions. They have much to say about my efforts to enjoy myself. Comments range from “this is a ridiculous and childish idea” to “what makes you think you deserve this”.

photo credit: anthom

My critics have really been going after me this month. They haven’t been holding back at all as they are judging every aspect of my life.

I decided enough was enough. It was time to confront them.

I invited them to join me for dinner. We sat outside on a sunny evening having a glass of wine and bread with various cheese and hummus spreads. We chatted for about an hour and got to the bottom of this recent invasion.

You may already be able to sense the source of these attacks, I should have seen it coming. It was simply my unhealthy desire to be accepted. Over the past month I’ve opened myself up to new work opportunities, new relationships, more honesty and more writing. That’s a lot of new exposure for one girl.

Today’s birthday celebration was spent alone wrestling with these issues of insecurity and the need for acceptance that I often let get out of control. I celebrate this because I didn’t give up, and by the end of my dinner I had won this battle.

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Aunt Kathleen was Donna’s Mother’s sister, who died this morning in Allentown, PA at the age of 92. She was loved by everyone who knew her, and lived a life loving everyone she came in contact with. What better legacy could anyone have? She will be missed but anyone who knew her will have sweet memories to remember her by.

Posted on Thursday, March 11, 2010 at 1:46 PM

This picture was taken on February 11 after getting 51 inches of snow.

This picture was taken the morning of March 10, a month later and after a period of warm temperatures. Amazing changes!

The snow is quickly melting away but not causing flooding. Flowers are sprouting up all around the yard.

The official start of Spring is only 10 days away – come on Spring!

Posted on Wednesday, March 10, 2010 at 8:25 AM

What a day, guys.

Monday tried it’s best to kick my ass. I spent all day fighting back. As of early this afternoon I was winning, then bam – a headache from hell. Monday was back in the lead, but I wasn’t about to give up. I rested, fueled up on some pizza and came back strong enough to knock some really important things off my to-do list.

It was about 10pm when I reclined in my big comfy chair thinking “Ha, Monday, I showed you!” Then, I remembered – it’s Birthday Month!!

I hadn’t planned anything to do to celebrate today!

What a great reflection of my life! I easily get caught up in the business of life that I forget to do the fun (and important) things I promise to myself.

With just two hours left in the day I was left with a couple of choices. I could give in to the fact that I didn’t plan or make time for this and skip today. Or, I could scramble.

I chose to scramble! (Take that Monday.)

Thankfully, I have an emergency stash of sparklers and a good friend nearby. So at 10:30pm we had a Surprise Sparkler Pajama Party!

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Today’s celebration was shared with everyone in town who took advantage of the beautiful, sunny day. I celebrated the afternoon by taking a walk thru the city with a good friend. Along our walk we chatted about the joys and stressors of life right now. Starting out there seemed to be more discussion about the stressors, and not so much about the joys. However, by the end we discovered Utopia.

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I only have one word for Day 6 of Birthday Month…

Champagne!

photo credit: federica esse

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Today was one of the busiest work days I’ve had in the past couple of weeks, but I still found a few moments to do something to celebrate birthday month.

Recently I (re)discovered the power of expressing gratitude. To celebrate today and the amazing people around me, I spent a few minutes writing thank you notes to people who have gone out of their way to do something kind for me, or that have inspired me.

photo credit: Indie Bands With a Mission

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I’ll let you guys in on a little secret, I absolutely love presents! I love giving, receiving and sometimes just dreaming about what I would give people if I had all the money in the world.

My mom knows this about me – well, actually she nurtured this love affair with gifts that I have. No one will ask me what I want for my birthday more often than my mom. Over the years she’s given me books, shoes, clothes, cat toys and many other things that girls adore.

But, there are some gifts that no one can give me, not even my sweet mom. These are beautiful, priceless gifts that only I can give myself.

On Birthday Month Day 4 I gave myself permission (and encouragement) to speak my truth.

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A vital part to throwing a great birthday party is having the perfect guest list of people you love and that are fun to be around.

But, occasionally someone who was not invited feels the need to stop by and crash the party.

An uninvited guest crashed my Day 3 birthday celebration.

photo credit: W J (Bill) Harrison

Day 3?s celebration took place at a bowling alley with some new friends from my BNI group for the group?s monthly social event. I curled my hair, wore a fun top and put on some pink lipstick for the celebration. Once there I laughed with my new friends and tried my first (and second) Long Island Iced Tea.

When I was younger I loved going bowling with my sister, brother and friends. We would often be found at the bowling alley on a Saturday night for Midnight bowling, when we would bowl till 3 or 4 in the morning. However, I retired my bowling shoes after college, and calling my comeback performance rusty would be a generous compliment.

Being somewhat athletic most of my life there have been only a few sports and activities which I couldn?t complete to my satisfaction. However, bowling has become one of those activities.

Maybe it was the Long Island Iced Teas, but I quickly attributed it to losing my athletic ability because??I?m getting old. My body and mind are starting to fail me. I had heard this would happen, and what better timing than Birthday Month.

As I was letting those thoughts seep into my brain and work on being ok with getting old (because I hear you can easily accept that notion in just a few moments in a bowling alley), a couple of my friends made innocent, harmless comments about my age?.about how much younger I am than them.

And, that?s when an uninvited guest crashed my party. That bitch, Insecurity, popped in to reinforce the lie that I am not ?enough?.

Great – what?s a birthday celebration with out some confusion on feeling too young or too old, instead of just right?

Over the past year I?ve been working hard at battling back against Insecurity. I call her out for what she is ? a coward and a bitch. She is simply an obstacle that I must overcome.

My gift to myself on Birthday Month Day 3 was the courage to name my insecurities and the wisdom to embrace being ?just right?, which I did by taking a drive through downtown late at night. The dark, empty streets nestled between the tall buildings seemed to be waiting for the hustle and bustle of another work day. It served as a great reminder that life is too dynamic and complicated to be summed up into ?I am too much this? or ?I am too little that?.

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For day 2 of Birthday Month I treated myself to a mini-vacation. I escaped from my world of dirty laundry and deadlines to visit the world of another young woman in her moment of truth.

My trip was to the Cultural Center at Glen Allen to see the On The Air Radio Players present “The Philadelphia Story” – which was released in 1940 as a movie staring Cary Grant & Katherine Hepburn.

Watching the radio show was fun, as the actors were in costume and also performing all the sound effects for the show. The actors did their best to keep up with speed at which Katherine Hepburn and Cary Grant would deliver their witty lines –  a fun duo that I fell in love with when my sister and I saw “Bringing up Baby”.

The gift I received came from the main character, a young woman struggling to define herself and her relationships. After much therapy and liquoring up my friends to the point where they spill their inner most thoughts, I have come to the conclusion that we are all fighting this battle of being true to ourselves AND being in relationship with others. I’m front and center on the battlefield, equipped with my heart on my sleeve and an arsenal stock-piled with weapons of mass destruction.

In “The Philadelphia Story”, she won a battle in the war of living. Watching her find a way for love and authenticity to co-exist gave me hope that I can also win those battles and taste the sweet victory when my heart stays intact and I experience the miracle of connecting with another human being.

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