Scott Jenkins

OK so I saw everyone else’s critiques on our days of fasting from criticalness and I figured I better write something. I like everyone else experienced a lot of the same things and I would like to do it again sometime and see if it gets easier. I also am looking forward to discussing all this with everyone on Monday.

As for other things going on I need to write this next stuff. How it will sound I don’t know but I hope it comes out like I have intended.

Over the past year and especially the last nine months I have really lost a lot of my confidence in myself. I have felt very insecure and really unworthy of the great relationships I am experiencing in my life now. This is such a change from how I lived the first 29 years of my life. Normally I had the other problem of being overconfident and arrogant and I let my ego at times get out of control. However I also thought anything was possible and I felt like I could do anything. While I don’t miss being ego driven or arrogant I do miss the confidence I had in me that I was a good person and that I could do anything. As I reflect on some recent conversations I realize now really for the first time that Jesus is there and that He is confident in me and that all these friends that I am so worried about liking me really do and all they want is for me to just follow Christ and to be myself. That last part of be myself does scare me a little because like I said I have lost confidence in who that person is but I do feel God is saying just be the person I created and trust Me and together you still can do anything. SO I THINK IT IS TIME TO GET UP OFF THE MAT AND LIVE THAT WAY! SO HORIZON, BALTIMORE COUNTY, AND EVERY OTHER PLACE I INHABIT HERE I COME.

I am tired of this insecurity, this fear that I am not good enough. It is time to reengage. It reminds me of the scene from Top Gun - where Tom Cruise was this cocky pilot that did things his way and felt he could do anything yet his life crashed around him when his friend was killed in an accident that he blamed himself for. It turned him into nothing and he could not be who he really was. Until finally in the heat of the battle as he is running away he speaks to his friend and he believes he must not run but fight and then all the old skills are there and better and he is back. I feel I have experienced a lot of these same emotions and that now it is time to get back in the fight. I believe that God has put this roller coaster of the last nine months there to prove to me that He is God and that if I trust Him that everything will be fine but that I can’t coast through it wanting what I want but that I have to want what He wants and I have to be willing and confident enough to fight for it.

So here I am 30, Single, and a Christian and I am ready to go. I want to fight again for our city (which to me includes Balto Co.). I want to spread the message of Jesus Christ and I want to learn more effectively how. I also want to live in the comfort of knowing that I, like everyone else, does matter and I want to be the person God has created me to be.

For a little while now I have tried to make up for mistakes or lost time and you know what I can’t. I can just ask and hope that those I have hurt will forgive me and will look past all the junk to the person God is molding me into. I feel confident that thanks to His son Jesus Christ that He has.

Now I know I can be loud and talk a lot (just check out the Jeff Mount vs. Scott Jenkins Silence-Off) but guess what that is who I am and while I will try not to be obnoxious I want this confidence back. I have people tell me that I flip flop or sway in my opinions based on others thoughts and that is not me and I now realize that I need to be strong in what I believe and what I feel God is leading me to. Now I know I have a lot to learn and need to change some things but I also need to feel sure in saying what I feel also.

So blah, blah, blah - Where is all this going? Well I think it is leading here - I feel ready to follow God and I feel comfortable with who He is leading me to be. I am done with the insecurity of the past and am ready to run and dive head first into the future as I know God as well as all of my friends are with me and you know what that is all the confidence I need!

This entry was posted on Friday, April 8th, 2005 at 11:51 am and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.