Donna's Pilgrimage - on the road to beautiful

surprised by grief…again

donna — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 22:09:58 +0000

Once again this weekend I was surprised by grief. It shouldn’t be anything new any more, but it is. We have been traveling to Nazareth to my parents’ home every weekend except one since mom died. It’s hard to go to that house, but I find I can trick myself. When I see the laundry folded by mom still in its spot near the dryer, I can fool myself into thinking she’ll be back to put it away. When I see her notes on her notepad by the phone, I can trick myself. When I go through her closet, or her spice rack, or her recipe file, I can trick myself. BUT, this morning we went to the cemetery to water the mum that decorates her grave marker, and there carved in stone right below the date of her birth, was the date of her death, and reality hit, and bites.

whew!

donna — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 00:19:38 +0000

one more weekend in nazareth…this was our best time with mark. he has been seeing a new set of drs. and is so much calmer and ‘with it’ that talking things over was the easiest it has ever been. dad’s house will be appraised next sat., and that will help us set a price for the sale. we talked to the neighbors, and to a cousin we thought might be interested in buying. time will tell.
we brought dad’s winter clothes with us to md. once we unpack, he will be officially moved in. we also brought pics to hang on the wall. maybe next time we will bring his dresser so he will feel more like he’s home.
emotions run high and wild. i want him here, but it scares me to death. (that perfection thing hangs heavy.)

perfectionism

donna — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 14:21:55 +0000

Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life. Anne Lamott.

needed…fairy godmother and…

donna — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 18:20:44 +0000

what’s wrong with me???? i don’t mean what are all my faults, (we don’t have time for that), but why am i feeling so overloaded? am i just selfish?
everything is happening so fast. i don’t feel like i’ve been doing a very good job of processing what’s changing or understanding how i’m feeling about it all. and, this grief thing is constantly surprising me. thought i had that all figured out…wrong again.
john’s upcoming surgery brings with it all kinds of other “issues”. i’m not nearly as flexible as i thought i was. i talk a good talk, but in reality, i want/need control, and a fairy godmother, and probably a trip to the ocean, and a good book, and some wine, and………..

pap’s here

donna — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 21:47:41 +0000

my dad’s been with us for 5 days. he’s told us he wants to stay with us during john’s surgery on oct. 15th and beyond. who knew that this season of our lives would include having a parent living with us? we really feel this is a gift, but now to live it out….
everything takes longer and is more complicated than we anticipated. that said, we are busy getting new drs. and keeping meds straight. we will be seeing a new audiologist to try to get dad some help with his hearing loss. we will also be trying to switch to a new va. hospital and a new general physician. more than ever before we also feel the need for community. unfortunately, our church has not stepped up to help. we felt this same lack when jarrett was killed. it has definitely made us aware of how we need to respond when people are hurting…and more.
this is definitely a new season in our lives, and we will see how and what God provides.

PLAY

donna — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 15:12:47 +0000

How I think about my work is indistinguishable from the way I think about my needlepoint or cooking: here is the project I’m involved in. IT IS PLAY!!! In this sense all my life is spent in play-sewing, needlepoint, picking flowers, writing, or buying groceries. Diane Johnson
And one more…
Lost, yesterday, somewhere between sunrise and sunset, two golden hours, each set with sixty diamond minutes. No reward is offered, for they are gone forever. Horace Mann

I have spent the last few weeks playing and loving every minute of it…at the Grand Canyon, in Richmond, in Pa., and now I’m back home. Gonna learn to play more!

last week at this time

donna — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 14:51:26 +0000

Last week at this time I was in a helicopter flying over the Grand Canyon. Hard to believe now, but I have pictures to prove it all. By this time last week I had already walked 1000 miles in dry 103 heat (so it only felt like 102), taken 400 pictures, floated down the Colorado River, watched the sun rise over the Canyon, seen a herd of elk, drunk 10000 glasses of water, been very emotional at the sight of it all, and enjoyed every minute of my time there. This was one of my dreams, and it was so much more beautiful, amazing, extravagant, breath-taking than I imagined. Everybody should see this.
I came back to a back yard of blooming flowers…so many day lilies…193 blooms yesterday to be exact. I know bc most mornings I pull off the spent blossoms so seed pods won’t form, and there’s more energy for blooming. I do this while I talk to all the flowers. This morning I counted as I pulled. (Kinda ocd, but I had to know.)
Last night we sat in the hot tub and remembered the trip. The night was clear, the lightening bugs put on a real show, and the bats enjoyed debugging our pool. A friend calls our back yard “Almost Eden”, and I believe her.
So, if you long to be inundated with vacation pictures, this is the place. We topped out at 800, 7 videos, and one 45 minute helicopter dvd, plus a slide show that runs as our screen saver, and stories…we have so many stories. We’ll even throw in some salsa and chips…I brought home a cookbook with 180 salsa recipes, and a beautiful turquoise ring. Anytime….

I’m sick

donna — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 17:42:29 +0000

If there is a disease that’s symptoms are keeping hair products and makeup that is old and 24/25 used, I have it. I just cleaned under my bathroom sink, and the things I found scared me. Besides many, many shampoo and conditioner bottles that have only one fraction of one wash amount left, there was eye shadow from my Mary Kay salespersons days…that was when we lived in Manlius…before Mike was born. He just turned 23. Would I ever think of putting that on my eye lids eventhough the colors are “still me”? Apparently yes, bc I looked at them fondly, put them all together in a cute basket, and kept them. Does makeup ever become a valuable antique that can be kept and later sold for a million dollar profit like baseball cards once could? If I have any sense I will march right up to the bathroom after this post and trash that stash. Check me later…

I’m 60!

donna — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 14:33:52 +0000

Yes, it happened, and so quickly. I have been in a bit of a funk about it…doing lots of re-thinking and re-evaluating, and thinking and evaluating. I will certainly be more understanding when my friends hit this age. I will no longer think of 60 as too old, or the end of real life. But there’s that nagging “not much time” thought that hangs in the back asking, “what ya gonna do with what’s left?” There’s not enough money to jet set around the world and party all the time, and I don’t really have the personality for that. I’d truly be miserable without my own beautiful spot in my own garden. Is having more fun a serious enough goal? And, why is there all of a sudden a need for a quiet week on a beach somewhere alone?
Here’s how I’m handling “IT”. I’m simplifying. I’m on a mission to go through each room in my house and keep only what is beautiful or meaningful. It’s amazing what I had saved under my guest bathroom sink! I’m refashioning lots of my clothes to look new and younger…yes, most of those long dresses are now tunic tops…read minis for younger women…for me to wear over jeans or capris. I’m experimenting with new proportions, and it makes me feel adventurous.
I’m devising an exercise regimen that I can stick to…noticing lots of sagging that may be helped by this, but mostly for my frame of mind. I feel better when I exercise regularly. I’m drinking more water…thanks Alicia. And, I’m trying to be easier on myself. It’s not a mistake where I am on this pilgrimage, or where I’m headed, so I need to relax a bit and enjoy the trip. Remind me of that when I start whining, pls.
Alicia and Dan made my birthday so fun. Thanks. I would have moped around at home. I love to be around them. They are so authentic and caring, and I love what they write in cards!
Mike and Sarah brought me a sarong from Greece. There’s no way to put that on and feel anything but exotic, and beachy cool. And, my darling husband got me a helium balloon that I may continually refill and park at different places in the house, that says “Too young to be old!”
So, I’ll more than survive, but it is a new season, and with that comes new choices and new plans. Maybe I’ll even blog more…

thought provoking

donna — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 17:28:42 +0000

Life is so short we must move very slowly. –Thai proverb