Donna’s Pilgrimage – on the road to beautiful

Once again this weekend I was surprised by grief. It shouldn’t be anything new any more, but it is. We have been traveling to Nazareth to my parents’ home every weekend except one since mom died. It’s hard to go to that house, but I find I can trick myself. When I see the laundry folded by mom still in its spot near the dryer, I can fool myself into thinking she’ll be back to put it away. When I see her notes on her notepad by the phone, I can trick myself. When I go through her closet, or her spice rack, or her recipe file, I can trick myself. BUT, this morning we went to the cemetery to water the mum that decorates her grave marker, and there carved in stone right below the date of her birth, was the date of her death, and reality hit, and bites.

one more weekend in nazareth…this was our best time with mark. he has been seeing a new set of drs. and is so much calmer and ‘with it’ that talking things over was the easiest it has ever been. dad’s house will be appraised next sat., and that will help us set a price for the sale. we talked to the neighbors, and to a cousin we thought might be interested in buying. time will tell.
we brought dad’s winter clothes with us to md. once we unpack, he will be officially moved in. we also brought pics to hang on the wall. maybe next time we will bring his dresser so he will feel more like he’s home.
emotions run high and wild. i want him here, but it scares me to death. (that perfection thing hangs heavy.)

Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life. Anne Lamott.

what’s wrong with me???? i don’t mean what are all my faults, (we don’t have time for that), but why am i feeling so overloaded? am i just selfish?
everything is happening so fast. i don’t feel like i’ve been doing a very good job of processing what’s changing or understanding how i’m feeling about it all. and, this grief thing is constantly surprising me. thought i had that all figured out…wrong again.
john’s upcoming surgery brings with it all kinds of other “issues”. i’m not nearly as flexible as i thought i was. i talk a good talk, but in reality, i want/need control, and a fairy godmother, and probably a trip to the ocean, and a good book, and some wine, and………..