emotions
I’ve been thinking alot about my emotions lately…mostly how I hide them. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I wore them openly. No one had to wonder how Jesus was feeling, nothing was hidden…not grief, anger, or joy. And, He never apologized for them. Now granted, I say more than what I hear My Father saying, and do more than I see Him doing, but, for this past year I’ve been trying to hide most of my feelings, especially the grief, and along with it the anger and bitterness that sometimes accompanied it. I wore the mask.
Yesterday I had a new helper serving coffee to the seniors. She is someone I’ve liked from our first introduction, but never had the chance to get to know. Yesterday we had a chance to visit and share our hearts…one of her sons died at age 4. It was so natural talking to her. I came away with some new insights and perspectives . She encouraged me to look back to see how through all Jack’s life God had put special things in place that allowed us to have a relationship very few mothers get to have with their sons….John always said I was Jack’s best friend. I’ve decided that wherever I am, I want to be fully there, nothing “1/2 assed”… all of me fully in the process…whether grieving or celebrating, and often they share the stage. Because the process, the pilgrimage, is the real deal. It’s not just a way to get to the end…it is the end. It’s where I’m shaped, transformed, conformed, and polished…and it’s painful, but truly it’s the only way to be that flesh over Jesus. I want so much more…more God, more life, more love, more joy, more relationships, more service, more openness, more giving. So watch out!!!!!!
Tomorrow we have this little memorial planned. It’s been a year since Jack moved to his new digs in heaven. Nothing scripted, just sharing with family and friends. At first I wanted to just be by myself and cry all day…I do that well. The more I listened to the people around me who knew Jack, the more I realized we all have unanswered questions, we all miss him, and we have things to share about how he affected our lives. So that’s what tomorrow is going to be about…taking off the masks and being fully in the process of sharing grief and joy with no apologies .