Donna’s Pilgrimage - on the road to beautiful

Once again this weekend I was surprised by grief. It shouldn’t be anything new any more, but it is. We have been traveling to Nazareth to my parents’ home every weekend except one since mom died. It’s hard to go to that house, but I find I can trick myself. When I see the laundry folded by mom still in its spot near the dryer, I can fool myself into thinking she’ll be back to put it away. When I see her notes on her notepad by the phone, I can trick myself. When I go through her closet, or her spice rack, or her recipe file, I can trick myself. BUT, this morning we went to the cemetery to water the mum that decorates her grave marker, and there carved in stone right below the date of her birth, was the date of her death, and reality hit, and bites.

one more weekend in nazareth…this was our best time with mark. he has been seeing a new set of drs. and is so much calmer and ‘with it’ that talking things over was the easiest it has ever been. dad’s house will be appraised next sat., and that will help us set a price for the sale. we talked to the neighbors, and to a cousin we thought might be interested in buying. time will tell.
we brought dad’s winter clothes with us to md. once we unpack, he will be officially moved in. we also brought pics to hang on the wall. maybe next time we will bring his dresser so he will feel more like he’s home.
emotions run high and wild. i want him here, but it scares me to death. (that perfection thing hangs heavy.)

Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life. Anne Lamott.

what’s wrong with me???? i don’t mean what are all my faults, (we don’t have time for that), but why am i feeling so overloaded? am i just selfish?
everything is happening so fast. i don’t feel like i’ve been doing a very good job of processing what’s changing or understanding how i’m feeling about it all. and, this grief thing is constantly surprising me. thought i had that all figured out…wrong again.
john’s upcoming surgery brings with it all kinds of other “issues”. i’m not nearly as flexible as i thought i was. i talk a good talk, but in reality, i want/need control, and a fairy godmother, and probably a trip to the ocean, and a good book, and some wine, and………..

my dad’s been with us for 5 days. he’s told us he wants to stay with us during john’s surgery on oct. 15th and beyond. who knew that this season of our lives would include having a parent living with us? we really feel this is a gift, but now to live it out….
everything takes longer and is more complicated than we anticipated. that said, we are busy getting new drs. and keeping meds straight. we will be seeing a new audiologist to try to get dad some help with his hearing loss. we will also be trying to switch to a new va. hospital and a new general physician. more than ever before we also feel the need for community. unfortunately, our church has not stepped up to help. we felt this same lack when jarrett was killed. it has definitely made us aware of how we need to respond when people are hurting…and more.
this is definitely a new season in our lives, and we will see how and what God provides.

How I think about my work is indistinguishable from the way I think about my needlepoint or cooking: here is the project I’m involved in. IT IS PLAY!!! In this sense all my life is spent in play-sewing, needlepoint, picking flowers, writing, or buying groceries. Diane Johnson
And one more…
Lost, yesterday, somewhere between sunrise and sunset, two golden hours, each set with sixty diamond minutes. No reward is offered, for they are gone forever. Horace Mann

I have spent the last few weeks playing and loving every minute of it…at the Grand Canyon, in Richmond, in Pa., and now I’m back home. Gonna learn to play more!

Last week at this time I was in a helicopter flying over the Grand Canyon. Hard to believe now, but I have pictures to prove it all. By this time last week I had already walked 1000 miles in dry 103 heat (so it only felt like 102), taken 400 pictures, floated down the Colorado River, watched the sun rise over the Canyon, seen a herd of elk, drunk 10000 glasses of water, been very emotional at the sight of it all, and enjoyed every minute of my time there. This was one of my dreams, and it was so much more beautiful, amazing, extravagant, breath-taking than I imagined. Everybody should see this.
I came back to a back yard of blooming flowers…so many day lilies…193 blooms yesterday to be exact. I know bc most mornings I pull off the spent blossoms so seed pods won’t form, and there’s more energy for blooming. I do this while I talk to all the flowers. This morning I counted as I pulled. (Kinda ocd, but I had to know.)
Last night we sat in the hot tub and remembered the trip. The night was clear, the lightening bugs put on a real show, and the bats enjoyed debugging our pool. A friend calls our back yard “Almost Eden”, and I believe her.
So, if you long to be inundated with vacation pictures, this is the place. We topped out at 800, 7 videos, and one 45 minute helicopter dvd, plus a slide show that runs as our screen saver, and stories…we have so many stories. We’ll even throw in some salsa and chips…I brought home a cookbook with 180 salsa recipes, and a beautiful turquoise ring. Anytime….

If there is a disease that’s symptoms are keeping hair products and makeup that is old and 24/25 used, I have it. I just cleaned under my bathroom sink, and the things I found scared me. Besides many, many shampoo and conditioner bottles that have only one fraction of one wash amount left, there was eye shadow from my Mary Kay salespersons days…that was when we lived in Manlius…before Mike was born. He just turned 23. Would I ever think of putting that on my eye lids eventhough the colors are “still me”? Apparently yes, bc I looked at them fondly, put them all together in a cute basket, and kept them. Does makeup ever become a valuable antique that can be kept and later sold for a million dollar profit like baseball cards once could? If I have any sense I will march right up to the bathroom after this post and trash that stash. Check me later…

Yes, it happened, and so quickly. I have been in a bit of a funk about it…doing lots of re-thinking and re-evaluating, and thinking and evaluating. I will certainly be more understanding when my friends hit this age. I will no longer think of 60 as too old, or the end of real life. But there’s that nagging “not much time” thought that hangs in the back asking, “what ya gonna do with what’s left?” There’s not enough money to jet set around the world and party all the time, and I don’t really have the personality for that. I’d truly be miserable without my own beautiful spot in my own garden. Is having more fun a serious enough goal? And, why is there all of a sudden a need for a quiet week on a beach somewhere alone?
Here’s how I’m handling “IT”. I’m simplifying. I’m on a mission to go through each room in my house and keep only what is beautiful or meaningful. It’s amazing what I had saved under my guest bathroom sink! I’m refashioning lots of my clothes to look new and younger…yes, most of those long dresses are now tunic tops…read minis for younger women…for me to wear over jeans or capris. I’m experimenting with new proportions, and it makes me feel adventurous.
I’m devising an exercise regimen that I can stick to…noticing lots of sagging that may be helped by this, but mostly for my frame of mind. I feel better when I exercise regularly. I’m drinking more water…thanks Alicia. And, I’m trying to be easier on myself. It’s not a mistake where I am on this pilgrimage, or where I’m headed, so I need to relax a bit and enjoy the trip. Remind me of that when I start whining, pls.
Alicia and Dan made my birthday so fun. Thanks. I would have moped around at home. I love to be around them. They are so authentic and caring, and I love what they write in cards!
Mike and Sarah brought me a sarong from Greece. There’s no way to put that on and feel anything but exotic, and beachy cool. And, my darling husband got me a helium balloon that I may continually refill and park at different places in the house, that says “Too young to be old!”
So, I’ll more than survive, but it is a new season, and with that comes new choices and new plans. Maybe I’ll even blog more…

Life is so short we must move very slowly. –Thai proverb

It took years to build, was on the market for over a year, first listed for nearly $1 million, and has never been occupied. Yesterday the house next to us went to auction. John went over just to see. With only 4-5 bidders, the bidding started and ended within minutes. It ended at 660, and that price was refused by the builder/owner. Now what?

Our fast has ended. 21 days of carrot juice and water, done. My breakfast banana was the most amazing banana I have ever tasted. I have lost 18 lbs., and seem to have a deeper sensitivity and awareness of myself and those around me. Without meals to make, and food shopping to do, I had more time to think, and dream, and knit, practice piano, read and pray..all good stuff. Although there were no huge revelations, (not yet, at least), there were lots of answers and proddings, and searchings.
We’ve decided to stay raw and that will be another adventure. I’m craving adventure right now…wanting desperately to remember childhood dreams and fulfill them. “If not now, when?” is going to be my new motto for awhile. Wonder where this is going?

I read an interesting quote the other day, and Alicia’s blog reminded me of it. “You don’t really know what you think until you can say it.” I’ve been thinking about how I’m not good at articulating my feelings, my pain, my disappointments, my needs, my joys, or so much more. I keep so much inside so that I can explode at the drop of a hat, and lots of hats have been dropping here lately. As I read bonesighs I once again was reminded about not running away, but jumping deep into my feelings, trying to get to the bottom of my disappointments and my frustrations, and learning new and better ways to speak and show love. I’m often surprised at what the root of my feeling really is. Of course, this means slowing down and thinking about things more. I only do this every 1000th time, but that’s a start.
I’ve been getting together with four or five women on Fri. afternoons to talk about a book called The Friendship of Women. The book isn’t very good, but our conversations are. One of the women is a psychologist. She’s so good at reading people, and stopping us right where we are to have us try to discover why we are feeling what we are feeling and what we should do about it. She’s helped us understand lots about ourselves hoping we will be able to be better friends to women bc of it. She’s so intentional with her words, and she doesn’t let anything go until she really understands it. Yes, troublesome at times, bc I have to keep explaining things till she gets what I’m saying, but truly helpful in the end for both of us. So, here’s to going deeper…again.

Showering is not over rated! This morning we finally got to shower, do dishes and clean toilets. Doesn’t that sound like fun? It was wonderful. But already with the return of the water comes a re-entry into reality. Things do have to be cleaned, cooked, and cared for. People have to be seen and there’s already been a slow down in time for reading and knitting. My quest is to find the balance and simplify along the way. Charge!

What a woos I am. Yesterday when I blogged I was still in pioneer mode… upbeat and creative. This morning I want a shower and a clean kitchen and flushed toilets. Whine, whine, whine.

Life slows way down when you have no water. We have had water problems off and on for the past few weeks. Yesterday morning our water was turned off in the middle of my last load of wash (around 8), and we’re still waiting for its return. The well drilling has finished at 350 feet, and we’re waiting for the next crew to come and reinstall the “things” that are setting all around…couplings, and such, pipes, and a pump. Maybe today, we are told, tomorrow for sure. So we wait. We don’t/can’t wash dishes or ourselves, make noodles (as in boil anything), and we can’t flush. This has lead to one big slow down. We watch out the window a lot. That drill rig was pretty impressive, and it stayed overnight. We read, we even talk more, we make water decisions for the future (like who gets the first shower, and what priority is washing clothes). We cook thoughtfully and carefully. We drink sparingly. I’ve been experimenting with hand sewing and upholstering, and reading, and even read through the directions to my new ipod…things that had to be put on hold during the gift making frenzy.We ‘re pretty scuzzy, so we haven’t rushed out to meet people or even eat out. We’ve hunkered down and slowed down, and you know, it’s not that bad at all….I’m appreciating water, and determined to use it more carefully when it returns. It even tastes better.

If, as Herod, we fill our lives with things, and again with things; if we consider ourselves so unimportant that we must fill every moment of our lives with action, when will we have the time to make the long, slow journey across the desert as did the Magi? Or sit and watch the stars as did the shepherds? Or brood over the coming of the child as did Mary? For each one of us, there is a desert to travel…a star to discover…and a being withing ourselves to bring to life.
- Author Unknown

It’s been more than a month that I wrote I want to blog more….now I have something fun to blog about.
We had our own Iron Chef cook off before the show last night. Mike and Sarah faced off against John and me. Each prepared one dish. We were all in the kitchen together chopping and stirring, and trying great wine. John made the salad, Sarah the soup, I made the entree, and Mike made the desert. We had a gourmet feast….
Our first course was John’s salad which featured Spring Mix with all our regular fixins along with dried cranberries, pears, raw pistashios, gorgonzola cheese, and a special white balsamic vinegar dressing.
Our second course was Sarah’s pumpkin soup. This was to die for. She cut up the pumpkins, boiled the pieces, pureed the pieces, added spices and lots of cream, and voila…the best darn pumpkin soup you ever tasted.
My entree featured spaghetti squash with a roasted garlic marinara sauce and it was topped with oyster, shitake, and cremini mushrooms. We also had some roasted garlic bread which we prepared and heated but forgot to serve.
Mike made individual chocolate lava cakes, decorating the top of each with designs made of liquid chocolate.
We finished with coffee with white chocolate and peppermint creamer. We could hardly walk to the living room to watch the real Next Iron Chef finale, and staying awake was a struggle for everyone.
We made score cards and gave points for creativity, taste, and presentation for each of the four courses.
The results….John’s salad was first with 51 out of 60 points.
Mike’s desert was second with 50 points.
Sarah’s soup was third with 48 points.
And my entree was fourth with 47 points.
Teamwise it was a tie….each team scored 98 points.
We’re going to have to do stuff like this more often. It was more fun than we imagined, and the food was out of this world yummy.

I want to blog more. Yet, when I read other blogs…like Scott’s or Dan’s or Alicia’s I think that what I say has very little meaning or consequence….guess I’ll get over it.
I’m trying to find a more balanced place…always. This is a new season of my life, and I want it to be a season full of growth and full of beauty. I found an old email from Alicia that led me to a web site concerning a monastic approach to rules …making your own rules to cover all different areas of your life, always keeping God at the center. It gave me lots to think about bc I don’t usually like rules…they are made to be broken, don’tchaknow. These rules, however, are more like setting in place baby steps that will lead to the desires of your heart…things that you set up to keep yourself centered and balanced throughout your days.
I’ve begun praying the hours again…at least the morning hours. Each day I think about the afternoon and evening hours, but hardly ever/never make it there. I set up unrealistic schedules of what my day should look like…I will journal, exercise for hours, eat and fix gourmet meals, exercise some more, garden, and spend time with people i love, and…., and…., and….It exhausts me just thinking about it, and I end up being discouraged/disappointed bc I’ll never be that woman, at least not on a daily basis.
So, here we go again….a new start, more realistic, much more simple, with my own malleable guidelines to keep me on that winding road to beautiful, and more blogging.

I’m always learning from my sons and their wives/girlfriends. This past weekend I re-learned how much fun it is to be with people, lots of different people. We never once vegged infront of the tv. We played games, ate and drank together, saw a play, shopped and worked, “pooled” and even “churched”. It was all good. I learned to watch and listen more closely…I missed lots of clues to the meaning of the play by not listening carefully enough. Everyonel shared so easily and willingly. David graciously explained the play; Alisha and Casey easily shared wedding plans, lots of info in the game we played, and an amazing Mexican lasagna; the Well folks shared their vision, and their stories. Although I rested most of Monday, I loved every minute of our Richmond weekend. Being allowed to share Dan and Alicia’s lives in such and intimate way was amazing fun and amazing love. I want to share that kind of hospitality with the people I know, and even those I don’t know yet…those I share space with in my neighborhood physically and in cyber-space. (I guess that means more blogging, too.)
To remind me how important this is, I bought this card to keep on my desk…
How To Build Community
turn off your tv, leave your house, know your neighbors, greet people, look up when you’re walking, sit on your stoop, plant flowers, use your library, play together, buy from local merchants, share what you have, help a lost dog, take children to the park, honor elders, support neighborhood schools, fix it even if you didn’t break it, have pot lucks, garden together, pick up litter, read stories aloud, dance in the street, talk to the mail carrier, listen to the birds, put up a swing, help carry something heavy, barter for goods, start a tradition, ask a question, hire young people for odd jobs, organize a block party, bake extra and share, ask for help when you need it, open your shades, sing together, share your skills, take back the night, turn up the music, turn down the music, listen before you react in anger, mediate a conflict, seek to understand, learn from new and uncomfortable angles, know that no one is silent though many are not heard, work to change this.
(from the members of the SCW Community.wwwlsyrcultureworkers.com)
Now to be intentional…to start somewhere, to keep learning, and keep questioning.